Routines give us a sense of security and help us develop self-discipline. Children have a “fear” of the unknown, it can be as simple as a new vegetable or a major life change that causes them to stress. Fun fact – the “unknown” edges out the fear of death and the fear of public speaking, as human beings, we are afraid of a lot of things.
By keeping a routine and sticking to it the majority of the time it takes away some of that stress of what’s next from our children/teens lives. Fear comes from imagination, if a child has a very creative imagination, they will feed the fears more. Their imagination will run more wild than an adults’ will, telling them otherwise isn’t going to alleviate the fears, they have to experience situations for their own.
What are some signs that your children may need more structure?
- Children don’t initiate activities on their own (if they get bored, they just bother their parents instead of finding something to do on their own)
- Siblings can’t seem to get along. They intentionally annoy one another or fight regularly (quite often we dismiss this as being normal, however if there is enough structure, with flexibility, this will disappear)
- They don’t play independently, or they can’t play without supervision (even if they’ve reached an age where this should be possible)
- They have issues transitioning from one activity to another. Especially bedtimes, morning routines, homework routines, etc.
- There are many power struggles (some power struggles are normal as your child is growing and trying to become more independent, but they should not be a daily occurrence)
There are different ways you can add structure to your child/teens day :
- Structure the environment – this involves creating daily routines (consistent bedtime, pre-bed ritual, rules that the entire family needs to follow, etc)
- Structure the time – help them set a routine, then promote independence with your child/teen by having them be responsible for their morning and nightly routine (going to the bathroom, brushing teeth, putting on pj’s, cleaning up their room, getting dressed, etc)
- Prepare for changes – understand that no routine is perfect! Life happens and things will impact the routines, prepare them for this potential and let them know that sometimes it is ok for things to be out of structure (just remember this is an exception, not the rule)
- Structure expectations – ensure that your child knows and understands what is expected of them, what are their chores or what are they responsible for around the house (have a visual for them to know what their responsibilities are and a way to show that they have accomplished it)
Setting up structure scares us as parents, once it is in place, it runs itself. Yes, there is a lot of work at the beginning but once everyone gets into the routine it is the norm. Start setting the expectations from the beginning with the older the children and once the younger siblings come along there is nothing to set up, they follow the example of the older ones. As long as you are consistent, they will be consistent. It is important to ensure that whoever you co-parent with is on board with the structure as well, you need to support each other.
Children need structure. Adding more structure will help your child/teen have less stress and anxiety. Whenever possible give your child/teen choices to make, this will help them feel like they have an impact on their life. It will teach them independence and give them a sense of accomplishment. If they have to take a bath and brush their teeth, ask which they want to do first, give them 2 choices to pick from for breakfast or snack. Ask your teen what do you need to be ready for the SAT’s, talk to them to ensure they have a plan to be ready, don’t make the plan for them, help them talk it through and guide them when they need it.
Things go more smoothly when you and your child/teen know what to expect. Life is not perfect or easy, so do what you can to make each day a little bit easier. If you need guidance, give us a call here at CPC, we specialize in working with children and families and can help you get on the track to have a more practical structure.
“Children need boundaries and ground rules. When children don’t have structure, they make up their own rules and negative behavior is what they use to get your attention.” ~Jo Frost
