I know, you didn’t plan this, no one does. No one says, “let’s get married, have kids, and then split up.” It doesn’t happen that way and just because you got divorced doesn’t mean you stopped being parents. Everyone tries to make their marriage work and sometimes, it doesn’t. That’s life. What you must realize is that your children are your children, whether you are living together or living apart. Co-parenting isn’t easy, but communication is key. Your children need to know and understand that you are both still there for them and are still their parents for better or for worse. They didn’t choose to be in this situation; it is as hard for them as it is for you and you need to find a way to make it work.
Kids suffer when their parents argue in front of them. It is important not to undermine each other and to back each other up. Having different sets of rules is bound to happen, but if you can agree on the most important ones, it will benefit your children the most. Children need routine and structure, and the closer you can keep them to that, the better off they will be. You may each have different parenting styles, and this doesn’t automatically change because you no longer live together, you probably have always had different parenting styles. If there is a big issue or problem that arises, talk it over with each other and come to a common ground on the solution. Speak to your kids, express to them that daddy and mommy do things differently sometimes and will not always have the same rules. They need to know and understand that you are different people and do things differently and that is ok. Tell them “the most important thing is that we both love you and want to do what is best for you.”
Being open and flexible with schedules can be very helpful and go a long way. If something fun comes up and it is not a normal visitation time, is it a big deal to allow some extra time? Always think it through before answering, don’t just react. Don’t make a decision out of spite or because you just felt like it. When you are making plans that are outside of your normal visitation schedule, bring it up ahead of time to your ex, and be specific about what you want to do and make sure your plans are concrete. Don’t tell, but rather ask. “I am interested in doing x with the kids on this date, I know it is not my normal schedule, do you have anything planned and are you ok with me booking this?” is a great way to start. Do not bring it up to the kids until everything is set in stone, once you have made reservations, or have purchased the tickets. Bringing it up prior will only cause disappointment and hurt feelings if it falls through. Respect each other’s time with your children and their time with each parent. Think of what is the best for your child and remember, they may thank you someday for being so flexible and letting them have that extra special outing.
Don’t use your children as a go-between; communication with your co-parent is best. You will be teaching your child that even though two people get divorced, it means they can still be amicable and get along. By using your child as a go-between, they pick up on negative thoughts and feelings you have between each other, this causes them undue stress and anxiety because we may tend to talk negatively about the co-parent. Put yourself in your kids’ shoes and your ex’s shoes; how would you feel? Research shows that putting children in the middle of your adult issues promotes feelings of helplessness and insecurity, causing children to question their own strengths and abilities. Speaking positively about your ex teaches children that despite your differences, you can still appreciate the positive things about your ex.
Children are very impressionable, and they internalize a lot of things. They also, in general, test boundaries and rules which can be made easier with two parents who don’t communicate well. If they think there is a chance they will get away with something, they will try. For example, if your child wants to see a movie that they know you won’t let them go to, however their other parent might, they are going to ask them and find a way to make sure that they are with them when that movie takes place. If you don’t communicate and hold a unified front, they may start to get sneaky and keep things from one parent. Resist being the “fun guy” or the “cool mom” when your children are with you. Doing so backfires once they return to your ex – and sets into motion a cycle of resentment, hostility, and a reluctance to follow rules for all involved. Remember that children develop best with a united front.
Please protect your children’s innocence and allow them to remain children (even if you are parenting teenagers). Young people do not have the coping skills, enough life experience, or the intellectual ability to understand money worries, adult relationship issues, or their parent’s unhappiness (no matter how mature we feel our children are).
Co-parenting conflicts are bound to arise, co-parenting requires empathy, patience, and open communication for success. Obviously, this is not an easy thing to achieve for couples who’ve encountered marital issues. Placing the focus on your children can be a great way of making co-parenting a pleasant, if not positive, experience. If you are facing challenges or are looking for assistance to get you in a positive place, call us at Cameron Pediatric Counseling, we are here to help you and your family. We strive to help every family be cohesive and work together in a way that works for them. Every family is different, and we can help.
