When you get divorced, you are not the only one getting divorced, in a manner of speaking your children are getting divorced as well. Their whole life is changing, and they have no control over it. They don’t get to make the decisions, they don’t get to have a say in anything that is going on, yet it all affects them and how they will live day to day from now on. Something to keep in mind, divorce isn’t something that happens and is over and done. It has lasting effects. Not just on you and your ex, on your children too.
As your child goes through this process, they need to learn a new way of existing and their daily routine is going to change. What we don’t think about all the time is the lasting effects the divorce will have on the child. We often think kids are resilient, they can handle change better than we adults can. In some cases, this may be true, but not in all. Some children/teens carry this unsettlement with them and it is an underlying cause for many issues even later in life. They don’t deal with the challenges they are having with the divorce and 20 years down the road they may have trust or commitment issues and not understand it is because they never let themselves heal fully and deal with the trauma of the divorce. They need to give themselves permissions to move on and deal with it now. Moving on does not mean forgetting how you feel or your memories, you never forget those things, you just have the opportunity to tell yourself, that it is ok to move past this tough moment in my life and create a new normal.
That new normal is different for everyone and how our children get there, well let’s be honest, it isn’t going to be easy and it will not happen overnight. Some will need more time than others and some will need more help getting through it than others. Rest assured, it is possible to get to that new normal for everyone, we can help make that a reality. Adolescence has a lot of trials and tribulations all on its own, add the stress of a divorce, a new marriage, step-siblings, half-siblings, new people living in their house, or possibly worse moving into a strange house with strange people. This is a lot to handle for anyone, remember all of the stress and changes you went through as a child/teen growing up, add some or all of those things into the mix, now imagine how overwhelmed and possibly resentful you are.
There are going to be a lot of changes for all of you, the best thing to do is be open and honest with your children about what is going on along the way. Now, I don’t mean open and honest when it comes to discussing finances, or issues with your ex, adult conversations. We need to keep those adult conversations and not bring the children into them (and don’t discuss those things when they are within earshot either, they hear more than you think!!). When adult issues arise, talk about them in private and don’t let any frustration or anger seep into your time with the kids. Work through it, push it away for later, do what you need to do to keep it away from them, don’t give your kids the additional stress of dealing with adult issues, they have enough issues to deal with on their own, they don’t need to worry about you and their other parent not agreeing on something and feel they are the cause of a fight. You and your ex don’t have to think alike but you do have to think together.
When changes are about to happen be honest about what is changing in the family and day to day dynamic. Tell them how you feel, are you scared or sad? Chances are they are too, but open that line of communication and let them know it is ok to feel that way and that they can handle it. By letting them know what is coming and what to expect it will help to better set them up for success, if they are having a hard time, bring them in to speak with a licensed pediatric counselor. This can help them get out what is bothering them and bring it to the forefront to be dealt with so that feelings and resentments are not harbored (conscientiously or unconscientiously) that can remain there for years to come.
Your child isn’t going to agree with every decision you make. If you make the decision to get remarried or have more children, they may not like it. They may learn to, or they may not. No matter what, your child is a person who has thoughts and feelings, and those need to be addressed, not pushed aside. There may even be a situation where a second marriage ends, one that involved step-children. This is going to be another loss to your child, whether they liked the step-parent or step-siblings, this is a loss and another trauma. No matter what the situation is in your life, it affects your child too. Don’t be afraid to bring them to a counselor at any point during all of this, the last thing you want is to have your child have a lifetime of issues because they didn’t deal with their feelings and concerns, they just blocked them out.
At CPC, we know the importance of working with children and teens and helping them through all of these life transitions. We work closely with all parties involved to make sure your child is aware of how they feel and can work out those feelings and express what needs to be expressed in a safe place. We will help your family get through this transition and to a happy place for everyone involved
