When kids don’t follow social rules, others may think they’re self-centered or uncaring. Other kids may find their behavior annoying and back away. Your child may find himself being left out. Kids with poor social skills may be bullied by other children or viewed by adults as being disrespectful or rude. Here are a few common social rules it is important to teach your child from a young age, this will help them at all stages of their life to help in social situations. Friendship, that personal connection with another person which allows us to feel valued and cared for, is vital at any stage of life. The need for love and belonging has long been established as one of our basic needs as human beings.
You also need to stress the difference between “social” friends and live friends. Texting, emailing, and talking to people over their phone and computer doesn’t constitute the same thing or feeling as having someone there with them. They require very different skill sets and have different impact on their lives. Having actual live human friends in the same room to do things with is more fulfilling and impactful on their lives.
Meet and greet politely
- Say greetings, introductions and goodbyes.
- Politely offer and receive compliments.
- Be able to start and finish conversations.
Take turns talking
- Listen when others are speaking and look them in the eye.
- Don’t interrupt.
- Respond appropriately and at the right time.
Pay attention to others
- Stop what you’re doing so you can listen.
- Keep your head up when you are walking around. Look and be approachable, make eye contact and smile.
- Read people’s emotions through their body language and facial expressions.
- Change your behavior to match what other people are doing, such as quieting down with the rest of the room.
Think about others before acting
- Don’t touch without asking.
- Don’t cut in line.
- Wait your turn.
- Stand a comfortable distance away when talking.
Cooperate with others
- Follow directions when you’re asked to.
- Ask for help when you need it.
- Apologize when necessary.
- Be flexible and open to new ideas.
How do you help encourage and support your kids to make new friends? This is going to vary at different stages of their lives. Toddlers and preschoolers are more in your hands to assist in this process. You need to facilitate this to happen. If your child is in daycare/preschool your child will likely gravitate towards certain children to play with while there. What about when they are not in the “school” setting? Playdates can help at this age; one on one interaction is best. It helps your child learn the basics of the social queues and interacting with others their own age. It will help them learn to share and grow a bond with another person over similar interests. Get your child involved in an activity where another adult is in charge, dance a sport, etc, this will give your child an opportunity to learn to listen to adults other than you.
Making friends as they get older gets more difficult and is more in your child’s hands than yours, they are in a setting that you are not in facilitating as much. When your child gets into grade school it is a big world for them to explore and they may feel a little overwhelmed. As parents, we want to try to fix things, but we don’t always step in, we do teach our child the tools to be successful, not fix every problem for them. The goal at this age is to give your child opportunities for rewarding social experiences that will leave them wanting more, rather than feeling pressured to do something they find difficult. Your child may be shy or cautious by nature, and this isn’t necessarily a bad thing. Rather than try to change your child’s personality, you can guide them stretch just enough to discover the joys of relationships with peers.
- Help facilitate play dates; smaller interactions will put your child in a more comfortable environment with less pressure
- Get involved in activities, what is your child into, support them getting involved in clubs at school or sports
- Be your child’s playdate, by doing this you will be able to get a sense of what your child is struggling with (are things that require too much concentration like puzzles, frustrating for your child)
- Allow your child to dabble with a fad, like Pokémon or Hello Kitty, allowing your child to play with popular toys and watch popular television shows or videos can give them a way to communicate with peers (be careful not to go over the top)
- Be a role model for your child, invite your own friends over, if you have friends with children, make it a double date
As kids become teens, these friendships start to shift and evolve. As is true with so many things about middle school, teens become more independent and start making choices for themselves, so it makes sense they also become more independent in managing their friendships. Some kids handle this transition effortlessly, while others struggle mightily with making and keeping friends. Those friendship struggles can lead to a lack of confidence and feeling disconnected and vulnerable at a crucial time in their development. At this age, friendships that may have seemed long lasting from childhood may start to drift apart interests grow in different directions and it isn’t as easy for us as parents to facilitate making situations for them to make new friends. At this age, it is about guiding your child to develop the skills to help them make new friends. Becoming proficient at making new friends requires self-awareness, guidance, confidence and practice.
- While supporting their efforts, teens become clear about who they are and what they value allows them to attract friends who will be a good fit for them; ask them what qualities do you have that would make people want to be your friend
- Teach your teen that not every person will become their BFF, teens who struggle to make friends tend to latch on to someone who shows them attention. They may share too much personal information and become jealous and insecure if that person has other friends as well. Help your teen work through the difference between a friend you sit next to in class and chit-chat with, and a friend who really understands and values you.
- Teach them small talk skills. This isn’t an easy thing to do and many adults struggle with this. Practice with them at having light and casual conversations about music, sports and other topics that are positive and promote the value of them listening more than they speak.
- Teach your teen to realize that conflicts occur in any relationship, this this is natural. Teach them that not every little fight or argument has to end a friendship, help them learn to disagree/argue fairly and know when to leave an argument to cool off.
Another big struggle that your teen is going to face is going off to college, this will be a very large transition in their life and for most of them it will involve making new friends all over again. During the first few weeks after school starts, a lot of students feel nervous, overwhelmed, and even a little awkward. So, you can rest assured that you are not alone with those feelings. They give you something in common with many of your peers. You are all transitioning into this new phase of your lives together, and the fact is, finding college friends will likely be a lot easier than you realize. You probably have better social skills and more lovable traits than you give yourself credit for, and college gives you an opportunity to bring those traits and skills forward to let them shine. Remind your teen that confidence in themselves is going to help them go a long way in building those new relationships.
- Don’t go home every weekend, force yourself to stay on campus, this will push you to get more involved
- Join clubs and spots, participate in all of the freshman activities you can
- Eat meals with people
- Study and do your homework in common areas
- Find an on-campus job or volunteer opportunity
- Make yourself approachable (take a moment to slow down and relax a little. Put your phone down, smile, and make eye contact with people. And always do your best to be friendly and helpful)
- Start a conversation with the person next to you, they are probably as nervous as you are
- Some people may appear very confident, they just may do a better job of masking their insecurities to appear approachable. Take them up on that!
College is all about fulfilling your potential. By learning how to make friends at college, you can also learn a lot about yourself, bring out the most positive parts of your personality, and build an amazing social circle, all while obtaining a quality education. This will also help you build your network as you graduate and get into the workforce.
It is important, that no matter what age your child is, that you don’t expect too much too quickly, if your child feels they are being forced to make friends, the best intentions can backfire. If you and your child are having difficulty and would like some guidance, call us at CPC to schedule an appointment, we have many ways to help guide your child to help them with social interactions. There are many ways we can encourage your child and help them create an environment they feel secure in to get more involved and make new friends. We will also help you navigate how to guide your child on the right path and not be at a loss at any stage in their life.
